Who Decides What’s Normal? Gender, Expectation, and Counselling
Most of us grow up learning, often without realising it, that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to be. These messages are rarely spoken outright. Instead, they show up in expectations about how we should behave, what emotions are acceptable, how much space we’re allowed to take up, and what makes us worthy of care or respect. Gender is one of the most powerful ways these expectations are organised in society, shaping our relationships with ourselves and others long before we have words for it.
When I first heard the term cisgender, I remember feeling uncomfortable. That discomfort stuck with me, and upon reflection I realised it as a sign of something important: privilege often feels invisible to those who benefit from it.
In our society, being cisgender — when your gender aligns with the one assigned to you at birth — is treated as the unspoken default. It’s what’s seen as “normal.” And when something is assumed to be normal, it often goes unnamed. Labels, instead, are reserved for those who fall outside that norm.
This pattern doesn’t just apply to gender. It reflects a wider way that society quietly decides who belongs without explanation — and who must explain themselves.
You might wonder what any of this has to do with counselling.
The Expectations We Carry Into the Room
Whether or not gender feels central to your identity, it has likely shaped you in ways you may not even be fully aware of. From a young age, we absorb messages about how we should behave, feel, look, and relate — often tied to gender. These messages come from family, school, media, culture, and relationships. Over time, they can turn into conditions of worth: I’m acceptable if I behave like this. I’m lovable if I don’t step outside these lines.
For boys and men, this might look like pressure to be strong, self-reliant, or emotionally contained. For girls and women, it often shows up as conflicting demands around care, competence, and compliance — doing more, being more, while taking up less space. For people who don’t fit neatly into society’s expectations of ‘normal’, the impact can be even more painful: misunderstanding, stigma, or a deep sense of not belonging.
Many people come to counselling because they feel exhausted, ashamed, disconnected, or “not good enough.” Often, beneath those feelings are years of trying — and failing — to live up to expectations that were never truly theirs. Sometimes this relates, whether consciously or unconsciously, to gender norms.
“Normal” Isn’t a Requirement Here
One of the things I want clients to know is this: you don’t have to be normal in the counselling room. You don’t have to fit a category, justify who you are, or explain yourself in the “right” language. Therapy isn’t about correcting you so you fit society better; it’s about understanding how society may have shaped your relationship with yourself.
This includes gently exploring the biases we all carry — often unconsciously. We’re all shaped by the same cultural messages, and those messages can influence how we see ourselves and how we respond to others, especially when someone doesn’t meet our expectations. In counselling, there’s space to look at that with curiosity rather than judgment.
As a counsellor, my responsibility is not to assume, label, or define you. It’s to listen, to reflect, and to stay aware of my own assumptions so that they don’t get in the way of your process.
A Space to Be, Not Perform
Good counselling offers room to breathe. For some people, that means unpacking years of shame or internalised rules about who they’re allowed to be. For others, it’s simply having a space where nothing needs to be proven — where you can show up as you are, without performing, explaining, or fitting into a box.
Gender is only one part of who you are. But for many, it casts a long and quiet shadow. In the counselling room, we can begin to notice that shadow together — and decide, at your pace, what you want to keep, what you want to question, and what you’re ready to let go of.
